Thursday, April 19, 2012

Hiding Out a Little

I've been off the computer lately and I've learned to realize if I don't feel like posting to the blog, it's definitely a sign of my withdrawal from the larger world!  I'm naturally gabby and effervescent, but this last week I've been off beam.  I'm so off, I don't even have the energy to post the latest "If it's Tuesday, it Must be Magdalena Day" pictures.

I think it's mostly related to my mother's frail condition and standing witness to her slow, downhill decline.  She is an amazing woman who has maintained a beautiful attitude about aging, but her upbeat energy is changing as added frailty creeps in.  The twinkle in her eyes is less now, her inner spirit dampened.

I've been watching a sad story of old, old, old age taking both my parents for the past 12 years.  First my father, who died in 2004 at age 92 and now my mother's slow demise at age 91.  Their disease process is old age, not an active and robust and quicker disease like cancer, stroke, heart attack, congestive heart failure.  No, just old age, slowly melting them away piece by piece.  Please understand, I feel grateful for having both my parents in my life for so long and very grateful for the good health they both possessed until "old" got to them.  We have been a most fortunate family and I always acknowledge this blessing when I think about the endings we also have faced.  Please don't "hear" what I'm saying as complaints, just sadness expressed.

I am tired, I am sad, and it is too much some days to watch this sad movie of life, but there is no escaping it.  I am a primary care giver and a very loyal and loving daughter.  I fully and readily acknowledge it isn't the saddest movie that ever existed; there are so many tragic situations that far outweigh anything I am experiencing.  Many of you have experienced these situations and grieved and recovered from them.  But, I think it's the length of time this situation has gone on that takes the wind out of my sail.  It has been like a slow drip, a slow leak for 12 years (or maybe more?).  And eventually the pail is empty from the slow leak and that emptiness is affecting me more and more these past few months.  If tears would come easily, it would be a welcome relief, but burnout has no tears at times!

There has been a lot of good chatter about pattern pirating on blogs lately and I support the "call out" on this issue but the logo designed for bloggers to post has a little old lady on it, appearing as a pirate.  For some reason I cannot post her image to my blog.  I have looked at the image over and over and I want to actively support this issue.  But, I think because she's a little old lady, and I am living a life of caring for a little old lady, I cannot bring myself to post this piracy image.  She doesn't look like my mother, but she does look exactly like my grandmother!

So please know that I support the effort to stop pattern piracy but I won't be posting the image.  And if I'm a little quiet at times, not posting for a while, I'm just pulling back in response to my grief about loss, natural occurrences in life and gifts, such as mothers, that change and disappear over time.

Blessings to you all, and I WILL rebound, but maybe not for a few days.... Kathy

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